Have you ever had that kind of passive-agressive criticism packaged as praise? You know, kind of like: “So, what did you think of my game, coach?” “Well, all the goals we conceded are your fault: but apart from that, you were great!”

This kind of praising criticism is exactly the right tone for the first day of play in this new Bundesliga season. There were a lot of people looking forward to it: players, coaches, fans, all of them raring to go. Well, everywhere except at Schalke, where they were all at each other’s throats before the first whistle had been blown.

Now that the Germany’s football fairytale this summer is nothing more than a vague memory, that the vuvuzelas have, thank the Lord, been discarded, and that people who tack mini-flags to their cars once every four years have put them away, we can return to less exciting but more regular fare: the daily soap that is the Bundesliga.

Things get going for the 48th time on Friday 20th August with Bayern München coming up against VfL Wolfsburg. The Bavarians are everyone’s favourites to take the championship again, whilst newly promoted St. Pauli in Hamburg is where the smart money is for relegation. The rest of the league will fit in somewhere in between.

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” What did yours used to say to you? What about this one: “So, let’s sit down and take stock.” If it was the last day of play, he might well have.

And with the 34th Bundesliga match-day now history, it’s time for all the trainers and all the teams to sit down and look back at the season. In the changing rooms after the matches, some teams were celebrating their successes, others mourning over their failures: often in the same stadium. In Berlin’s Olympiastadion, for example, the capital’s team – already unable to escape relegation – played against the champions Bayern München. Bayern went ahead and won 3:1, receiving the cup after the final whistle; Berlin could only look on.

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” What did yours used to say to you? What about this one: “Let’s sit down and watch three weekend’s games.” Back in the 1980s, that would have been feasible – back in the days before pay-TV, the 24-7 media society and the commercialisation of football.

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” What did yours used to say to you? What about this one: “I’m taking you with me to South Africa”? If he did, he was probably just offering to take you on holiday.
But we’re talking World Cup, and Germany is going mad for it – with still two months to go. The media are making things worse, speculating constantly on the make-up of the team – e.g. whether the national coach Löw will cap Kuranyi or not. Everyone in Germany has an opinion on who he should take, especially Franz Beckenbauer.

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” What did yours used to say to you? What about this one: “The country’s going to the dogs! Everything was better back then!”

1958: In the old communist GDR, food rationing was finally ended, although East Germany had to wait for Helmut Kohl and the fall of communism to get their promised land. This was also the year in which Elvis Presley arrived in Germany to do his national service in the army; seemingly by chance, another music legend Michael Jackson was born. A 17-year old Brasilian named Pélé wrote World Championship history in Sweden and Schalke 04 won the German league for the seventh and last time.

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” What did yours used to say to you? What about this one: “I’d like to thank my producer, my fans and, of course, my dad. Dad, if you’re looking down on us right now, this one’s for you!” Yes, it’s Oscar-time again and you can bet your last Euro that there were a few speeches like that last night. Now, the German Bundesliga is not exactly Hollywood, but if it were to award Oscars, the 25th day of play wouldn’t be a bad time to reward a few teams and players who have really excelled.