Matthäus has been caught with another partner! What? Who? A Bulgarian! No? Oh right, you mean the Bulgarian national football team! That’s right: not many of you young ‘uns know this, but once, a long, long time ago Lothar Matthäus used to actually play world-class football. Then he joined other famous German sportsmen – like Boris Becker – in the gutter press with an unending string of cheap girls and even cheaper stories.

That’s why Matthäus never achieved his dream of managing Bayern München. After all, what Bundesliga team wants their coach’s sex-life splattered all over the pages of Germany’s notorious tabloid, Die Bild-Zeitung? And that’s why Matthäus’ only chance is in countries where people don’t read it: Serbia, Brasil, Israel, Hungary, and now Bulgaria.

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” What did yours used to say to you? What about this one: “I’m taking you with me to South Africa”? If he did, he was probably just offering to take you on holiday.
But we’re talking World Cup, and Germany is going mad for it – with still two months to go. The media are making things worse, speculating constantly on the make-up of the team – e.g. whether the national coach Löw will cap Kuranyi or not. Everyone in Germany has an opinion on who he should take, especially Franz Beckenbauer.

He lurks. He is patient. Praying on naivety, choosing the right moment, he makes him move. He rarely misses an opportunity. You might wish he were not there, but ignoring him doesn’t make him any less real.

The bogeyman is no other than the team people love to hate – Bayern Munich. The Bavarians are adept at snatching titles at the last minute. Ask Leverkusen. Or, for the crowning glory of the bogeyman’s triumphs, ask Schalke.

However, in sixth place, with an indifferent start to the season, Munich are hardly cruising. Dutch coach Louis van Gaal has yet to have the expected impact. A 2-1 away victory this weekend was enough to see off Freiburg, but problems remain.