There are some games in the Bundesliga that seem to follow all my predictions to the letter. These are the games with nothing unexpected, no surprise goals – and there were enough of them on the 16th match day this season to make me wish I’d gone to the betting shop beforehand!

For a start, the table toppers at Borussia Dortmund won 2:0 against Werder Bremen: no surprises there, then. Then Leverkusen won 4:2 against HSV, a team currently in serious crisis. Meanwhile, last year’s champions Bayern München held the upper hand against St. Pauli, newly promoted up from the second league this year. Oh really? If Germany’s record holders in terms of Bundesliga wins can’t beat newcomers to league, then I’m a monkey’s uncle.

The 13th match day of this Bundesliga season was not short on surprising events: there was the 4:0 thrashing that Schalke 04 dished out to Werder Bremen, with Raul really giving us a great show; then there was another 4:0 hammering, with TSG Hoffenheim playing away at Frankfurt and beating them senseless – not many saw that one coming. Meanwhile, more predictably, Borussia Dortmund stayed at the top of the league following a 2:1 victory away at Freiburg, even if this was more luck than skill.

Millions against mini-budget, record-holders against relegation candidates, favourites vs. underdogs: the contrasts s loaded up onto the game at the top of the league could not have been greater. Bayern München, a financially high-powered team who are favourites to take the title played against Mainz 05, genuine underdogs who have surprised everyone by going to the top of the table this season – and staying there.

Matthäus has been caught with another partner! What? Who? A Bulgarian! No? Oh right, you mean the Bulgarian national football team! That’s right: not many of you young ‘uns know this, but once, a long, long time ago Lothar Matthäus used to actually play world-class football. Then he joined other famous German sportsmen – like Boris Becker – in the gutter press with an unending string of cheap girls and even cheaper stories.

That’s why Matthäus never achieved his dream of managing Bayern München. After all, what Bundesliga team wants their coach’s sex-life splattered all over the pages of Germany’s notorious tabloid, Die Bild-Zeitung? And that’s why Matthäus’ only chance is in countries where people don’t read it: Serbia, Brasil, Israel, Hungary, and now Bulgaria.

It was the fourth match-day, and in this year’s Bundesliga, that could only mean one thing: derby time! In Wolfsburg, Gelsenkirchen and Hamburg too, neighbouring clubs lined up against each other, and it is this last local clash that really stood out. After all, it had been 48 years since the city rivals HSV and St. Pauli had met on the latter’s home turf at Millerntor. Up until this point, all meetings between the two teams had always ended up being relocated to HSV’s far bigger stadium at Volkspark.

Last week must have been difficult for all of you Bundesliga junkies: the season had just got going, and suddenly there was a pause for international games; and they weren’t even high-adrenaline games, either. We were forced into watching teams like Denmark, Belgium and Azerbaijan. That’s all over now, though: play started again on the weekend – and if you’re anything like me, you couldn’t wait!

Come on, quick! Now’s the time to get rid of players you don’t need and then go and get some new ones! Why? Because after the qualifying games for the Champions League and the European Cup, it’s clear that all the German teams involved have made it into the group phase of the continental competitions. There’s new money available, the first games are out of the way and decisions about location have been made: so now it’s a game of musical chairs, with Bremen hoping Silvestre will set down on their seat, Hannover wanting to tempt Hajnal from Dortmund, Wolfsburg grabbing Diego and Demichelis looking to sit down anywhere except at Munich – he doesn’t get along well with the trainer. Really, any team with ambitions to take the Champions’ League should be looking to sign him: after all, ex-Bayern defenders are as close as you can get to guaranteed title success (see Lucio at Inter Milan last season).