Matthäus has been caught with another partner! What? Who? A Bulgarian! No? Oh right, you mean the Bulgarian national football team! That’s right: not many of you young ‘uns know this, but once, a long, long time ago Lothar Matthäus used to actually play world-class football. Then he joined other famous German sportsmen – like Boris Becker – in the gutter press with an unending string of cheap girls and even cheaper stories.

That’s why Matthäus never achieved his dream of managing Bayern München. After all, what Bundesliga team wants their coach’s sex-life splattered all over the pages of Germany’s notorious tabloid, Die Bild-Zeitung? And that’s why Matthäus’ only chance is in countries where people don’t read it: Serbia, Brasil, Israel, Hungary, and now Bulgaria.

Come on, quick! Now’s the time to get rid of players you don’t need and then go and get some new ones! Why? Because after the qualifying games for the Champions League and the European Cup, it’s clear that all the German teams involved have made it into the group phase of the continental competitions. There’s new money available, the first games are out of the way and decisions about location have been made: so now it’s a game of musical chairs, with Bremen hoping Silvestre will set down on their seat, Hannover wanting to tempt Hajnal from Dortmund, Wolfsburg grabbing Diego and Demichelis looking to sit down anywhere except at Munich – he doesn’t get along well with the trainer. Really, any team with ambitions to take the Champions’ League should be looking to sign him: after all, ex-Bayern defenders are as close as you can get to guaranteed title success (see Lucio at Inter Milan last season).