So the 20th match-day of the Bundesliga is over and we know who lost and who won: but do you know who’s new in your favourite team? Ideas, anyone? After all, the winter transfer rounds in January are wreaking absolute havoc with the line-ups, and so it’s not hard to understand why some people are asking questions about whether this additional round of swaps and sales after the summer signing season is a help or a hindrance. I for one am very much of the opinion that it doesn’t help at all, leading to considerable confusion within the teams – well, in teams like Schalke 04 at least.

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” Or maybe women say to you: “Hmm, I just loooove football players…”? Maybe she does – or maybe she just likes their money. Whatever the case, football players don’t seem to have any trouble attracting women.

Tastes have changed. Before, it was your Formula 1 racing-drivers that got the girls; it was all fast cars, fast guys and even faster babes. You had drivers like Jackie Stewart, Nelson Piquet, Jody Scheckter, and Mario Andretti – proper playboys for the tabloid press. Nowadays, though, your average Formula 1 racer is nothing more than a boy without the play, the kind of clean-shaven goody-two-shoes you could introduce to your maiden aunt: just look at Sebastian Vettel, Nico Rosberg, Michael Schumacher or Lewis Hamilton. Not one of them has even a whiff of scandal on them – boring!

There’s one thing my coach never tired of saying to me: “Hau den Ball ins Tor hinein!” – best translated with: “Just slam it into the back of the net!” What did yours used to say to you? What about this one: “Oh, look at that lovely green pitch!” Well, if he was a gardener, I suppose he might have.