"Which way is it to the gents, please…?" (Flickr, 0zel)

It would be fair to say that the Germans have a slightly, ahem, different relationship to their… err, bathrooms than we British. Indeed, it’s quite different to the attitudes I’ve encountered in American friends, too. And in France. And Spain. And… well, alright: pretty much anywhere else in the Western World.

What does “different” mean in terms of the little boys’/girls’ room, then? Well, for a start, it means that Germans don’t beat around the bush like I’m doing in calling a shovel a shovel and a toilet a boghole. When a German needs a toilet, he or she will ask for one, generally in somewhat undisguised terminology like “Toilette”, “WC” or “Klo”. This last word, for instance, is perfectly polite, friendly even, but comes directly from the word “Kloake”, or cesspool.

Germans just aren’t embarrassed by bodily functions; they are a part of life. Many a time now I’ve witnessed people talking about their bowel movements at the table, especially if the food served is likely to produce a say, irregular, result. That takes quite some getting used to as an Englishman whose mother winces at the word “toilet” in polite company.

No peeing standing up! (Flickr: monkeypuzzle)

Furthermore, German toilets themselves are frequently somewhat disturbing. Most flats here have toilet bowls that are more like pans with a bizarre ledge whose only purpose, as far as I can tell, is to stop your product being immediately immersed in water and thus make the room stink as much as possible. Perhaps this raised ledge and its also somewhat alarming potential for increased splash-related issues is why German women so frequently insist on men taking a seat in order to relieve themselves of liquids; or perhaps they have installed secret cameras in every toilet in Germany and just laugh themselves stupid at men trying to defy their genitals, physics and hundreds of years of lavatory design.

(Flickr: Missklang)

At least in their pubs and clubs, German men have maintained their independence and are allowed to use toilets in the way for which they were intended. Then again, most German watering holes offer their male customers, for obvious reasons, urinals as well as traditional toilets. Which is just as well since German nightlife locations also have an infuriating habit of either not signposting the male and female toilets accordingly or – and this is worse, since it deprives you of any excuses – of signposting them in such an odd way as to make immediate or reliable identification a matter of pure chance, especially after one or two more strong German beers than the average Brit is used to.

(Flickr: missklang)

Often, the lack of urinals is the first indication you receive that you might have landed on the wrong side of the 50-50 equation in the quest of taking a leak late-night in Deutschland. The second indication, in case you needed one, is the screaming/giggling/occasionally beckoning girl coming out of the cubicles. The third one is some kind of bouncer/police officer.

So all in all, the toilet in Germany can be a scary, scary place.

However, German attitudes to the toilet also have their upsides. The fact that Germans are indeed so open about the restroom and its somewhat central role in our day-to-day life allows them the freedom to joke about it and be creative. And we’re not just talking good fart-gags here, either.

Gggooooooaaaaaalllll! (Flickr: Adam Huggins)

No, it gets far more intricate. During the Football World Cup back in 2006, for example, urinals across the country were kitted out with mini… well, just look at the photo – I’m not quite sure whether the vocabulary to describe this kind of set-up has been coined yet.

The Gents'

And then there are the signs. Now, as mentioned, I have my issues with the signs – or the frequent lack of them – but I’m no killjoy, and certain variations are just superb. In this last photo, for example, I’m especially taken with the way that the designers managed to incorporate a visual reference for the key that would-be toilet-users will require from the staff along with a somewhat, ahem, unambiguous depiction of male genitalia. Although this plucky feller has a somewhat manly hat too, to be fair; and, which is more, it looks as though he might be standing to do his business. Right on, brother!